


Smells Like Death

by SafetyHazard (ineedapilot)



Series: What We Create in the Shadows October Prompt Fills [5]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Prompt Fill, Vampire Murder, WWC2020, What We Create In October Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27090379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineedapilot/pseuds/SafetyHazard
Summary: This is why Guillermo wears Axe.
Series: What We Create in the Shadows October Prompt Fills [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946776
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	Smells Like Death

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the What We Create in the Shadows (WWCITS) October prompt list. Day 18: Corpse Disposal
> 
> Theshadowsfx and Harvey's Instagrams recently reminded me of the joke in The Return where Carol says she smells death on Guillermo, and he replies that it's Axe. After overthinking that joke for awhile...here's why Guillermo wears Axe.

Nandor was the first to comment about the smell.

Guillermo had been dismembering the corpse of the first assassin he'd killed after the escape from the Vampiric Council. In a panic after staking the vampire, he'd dragged the corpse down to the basement - thank goodness Nandor and the others were out hunting - and set to work disposing of the evidence that he was a slayer.

Face shield and noise-reducing earmuffs on, Guillermo had just finished removing the head and limbs when a solid weight landed on his shoulder.

"AH!" He shrieked, dropping the circle saw, which buried itself in the torso on the table and ground to a halt. Clutching his chest, he spun around and saw Nandor standing there, a half-apologetic grimace on his face. He pulled the earmuffs off. "Master, please don't sneak up on me like that!"

Nandor ignored him. "It is unusual for you to be disposing of corpses at night, Guillermo," he said admonishingly. "You should pay more attention. You were not there to help me out of my hunting cloak."

"Sorry, Master," Guillermo muttered, trying to stay calm while edging sideways to block the body from Nandor's view. "It was...an emergency."

"Ah, did Nadja or Laszlo leave another corpse rotting in the cell?" Nandor leaned to the side, looking over Guillermo's shoulder. Guillermo's breath caught in his throat; he was sure that Nandor would see the stab wound in the corpse's chest. After a moment, Nandor continued. "Very pale. Must be one of those vampire cost-players."

Guillermo looked over his shoulder. The circle saw had mangled the area around the hole made by the stake. He sighed in relief. "Yes, Master. Definitely a cosplayer."

"Well, hurry and finish with this so you can come up and brush my hair," Nandor said, clearly having lost interest already. He began to walk away, then paused and said over his shoulder, "And do something about that smell, will you, Guillermo? It is very unhygienic for you to go around smelling like that."

Nonplussed, Guillermo waited until Nandor had gone up the stairs, then surreptitiously sniffed his armpits.

\--

Nadja, of course, noticed it next.

She cornered him in the attic the night after he'd staked a vampire in her and Laszlo's crypt. Luckily, he'd managed to kill the assassin quietly and get rid of the body during the day.

"Gizmo, you must do something about that smell!" She poked one black-tipped fingernail into his chest. "It is stinking up the whole house. Honestly, it smells even worse than Topher did after you and Nandor roasted him in the pond."

Guillermo, interrupted in the middle of retrieving a box of old capes for his master, sniffed the air and looked at her in exasperation. "I really don't know what you're talking about, Nadja. I don't smell anything different."

Nadja waved her hand dismissively. "Obviously that is because you have the limited senses of a sad little human man, isn't it?" Her eyes widened. "Maybe it is sadness." She suddenly stooped down toward Guillermo's crotch, making Guillermo jump back in alarm.

"What are you doing?" He demanded, face flushing.

Nadja ignored him and straightened up, lips curled in irritation. "Well, it's not sadness," she said to herself. "Maybe it's loneliness?"

Guillermo saw her give him a look and made for the stairwell before she could start smelling some other part of his body. "I should really be getting these back to my Master," he said hastily.

As he ran down the stairs, he heard Nadja call out behind him. "Take care of it, Gizmo! It's really very gross!"

\-- 

Guillermo was surprised when Laszlo brought it up, since the vampire usually didn't pay attention to him at all.

It was poor timing, too, since Guillermo had just staked an assassin behind Laszlo in the garden when he turned around, shears in hand. Guillermo shoved the corpse into the bushes, praying Laszlo wouldn't notice the feet sticking out near the roots.

Thankfully, Laszlo didn't even bother to look directly at Guillermo, eyes wandering somewhere in the night sky as he spoke. "My good lady wife informs me you've developed a foul odor of late, Gizmo." He waved the shears vaguely in Guillermo's direction. "She insisted that I tell you to stop reeking of it immediately."

Job done, he turned back to his topiary. Guillermo quickly kicked the protruding feet further into the foliage before responding. "Oh. Uh, she did tell me about that, but I haven't noticed anything different. Could you at least...tell me what I should be checking for?"

Laszlo let out an annoyed sigh, not even looking back toward Guillermo this time. " _I_ don't know, man. Frankly, I couldn't give a rat's arse what you smell like, as long as it's not-" he stopped short, and Guillermo furrowed his brow in confusion.

"What's wro-" He was cut off by a loud retching as Laszlo bent over, back heaving.

Alarmed, Guillermo took a step forward, but Laszlo raised a gloved hand, warning him off. "That's disgusting, Gizmo!" He choked out. "That smells worse than werewolf piss! You stay away from me until you sort that shit out."

"Sort _what_ out?" Guillermo asked, but Laszlo interrupted him with a shout of "Bat!" and fluttered away into the night. Guillermo threw his hands up in frustration. At least Laszlo hadn't noticed the dead vampire in the bushes.

\--

The breaking point was when Colin Robinson, of all people, raised the subject.

Guillermo had just finished burying the pieces of the previous night's assassin and was about to escape indoors from the chilly morning air, when he heard a melodic, "Hey, Gizmo!" ring out from around the corner of the house.

"Hey, Colin Robinson," he replied, trying to inject some faint enthusiasm into his voice as he watched the energy vampire cross the garden toward him.

Colin placed his suitcase on the ground. "I was just about to go to work, and I thought I'd stop by and say hi." Guillermo nodded, casting a longing look toward the back door as Colin continued. "You know, it's kind of a cliché, but I do really love the freshness of the morning air. It's not something the other vampires get to enjoy. Can't say whether or not they miss it, though."

"Yeah, it's real nice," Guillermo gritted out, shivering.

Colin spoke right over him. "That's probably why all these companies, they try to bring the fresh smell indoors. Febreze, Glade, Air Wick, Lysol, Arm and Hammer...the list goes on and on, really. They're excellent odor eliminators." Guillermo saw Colin's eyes flick over at him with the last sentence.

 _That's it_ , Guillermo thought. "All right, all right, I get it, okay?" He snapped. "I'll go get some deodorant today, because apparently I'm so stinky the rest of the house just can't stand it anymore! Dios mío!"

Guillermo stormed inside and slammed the door, not missing the bright blue glow of Colin's eyes as he cheerfully waved goodbye.

\--

Still fuming, Guillermo stopped by the pharmacy that afternoon and picked up the strongest deodorant he knew of: Axe body spray. If that didn't cover up whatever unknown smell the vampires were all whining about, he didn't know what else he could do.

He coughed as he coated himself in the pungent mist that evening. It reminded him of high school locker rooms, and he nearly dry-heaved before throwing open the windows to air out the bathroom.

Guillermo half-expected one of the vampires to accost him with more comments, about the new scent or the mysterious old one - after the last few days, who knew how they would react. However, the night passed without incident, and none of them mentioned a smell one way or the other. He internally resigned himself to never finding out what was behind all the complaints.

That morning, he settled Nandor into his coffin and was reaching up to close the lid when Nandor suddenly sat up.

"Thank you for taking care of that awful smell, Guillermo," Nandor said, giving him an awkward smile. Then Nandor's face turned serious. "But you should know that your delicious new perfume is not going to entice me to turn you any sooner." And he laid back down and closed his eyes.

Dumbfounded, Guillermo could only say, "Yes, Master," as he closed the coffin.

\--

He'd almost forgotten about the unidentified smell by the time Simon the Devious visited the house and brought Carol along with him.

"I smell the death on you," she'd snarled, and the pieces had clicked into place even as he'd deflected with a joke about his body spray.

Sweeping up her dusty remains in the early morning light, Guillermo sighed. _Looks like I'll be wearing Axe forever._

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt list here: https://twitter.com/wwcits/status/1307816076021907456
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments appreciated as always!


End file.
